FAILFAILFAILFAIL

A look back at 2014...two months later.

On December 31, 2013, I made these "resolutions": 

1. Keep a food diary

2. Keep a spending diary

3. January

     A. Vegan diet Jan. 5-25

     B. Only drink 1X/week

4. Say no more often - even to yourself!

5. Gym at least 3X/week: cardio 3X, arms, legs, abs

6. Read at least one book per month - alternate fiction, non-fiction

7. Start a positivity jar

8. Try something new each month

9. STICK TO MEAL PLAN AND SHOPPING LISTS!

10. AM: News? Vits, supplements

      PM: Moisturize, brush, floss, rinse

11. Write everyday

+ 1 other that I am going to keep private. Gotta save something for myself!

Gosh, I was cute back then. So naive. So innocent. So idealistic. 

I've failed at most of these.

1: I've been using MyFitnessPal almost every day, but I fell off for about a week and I'm about to give up until Monday again. There have been many days when I counted calories, but went way, way, way over my limit, which kind of defeats the purpose. Plus I've gained back half the weight that I lost and I'm on track to gaining the other half, too.

2: I've been pretty good about this since January, although it's easy to forget transactions when I don't get a receipt or when I pay cash (I typically only keep track of ATM withdrawals and debit card usage). However, just because I'm writing down my spending habits doesn't mean I'm sticking to any sort of budget or saving my money. And I certainly haven't been keeping track of credit card purchases. Again, the purpose has been defeated. I'm still counting down the days until the next pay day...sometimes on pay day.

I'm like...

When I should be like...

3. A) We know by now that my vegan experiment was - generally - a success. However, since the Super Bowl, I've had a very hard time being disciplined enough not to cheat - often - when I'm hanging out with friends. I've been more social than usual and dining out more often this month, which increases the challenge. And even when I'm keeping vegan, that doesn't mean I'm keeping within my calorie goals (like last night's 3 vegan tacos, margaritas, and a giant vegan chipwich). 

B) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. That lasted until I had a 3-day weekend for Martin Luther King Day. I have a dream that one day craft beer will be low in calories.

Some days after work, I'd think

But I'd resist. And then on Friday, I'd be like

And then, even though I reached my one day quota, on Saturday, I'd say

And then eventually, work days turned into this:

...leading me to this:

4. I haven't really been keeping track of this one. I feel spread very thin, so I'm probably not practicing this one, either. I think the only thing I've said no to is the gym.

5. ...speaking of the gym. I think I've gone 3 times this year. I'm too tired and I feel like I never even get the chance to sit down. Plus, if I don't start on a Monday, the entire week is shot.

6. So far, so good, but I know that I am not going to finish my current read in the next 2 days. UGH. Check off another failure.

7. I contributed to my positivity jar until early February. Most of my notes were stupid and in order to remember where I left off, I'd have to dump them all out and read them. Meh. 

http://jubilantlybeautiful.wordpress.com/

I also started a money jar, although I never made that an "official" resolution. However, when I left my wallet at work, I "borrowed" from the money jar to buy beer and vegan cupcakes. I never paid it back or added more cash and now I owe it $45.

8. Remember when I signed up for a Constitutional Law course at Yale on Courseara? I've deleted every e-mail they've sent me. I don't think I've tried anything new this year, unless foods count. Oh wait, that's kind of a lie. Also, blogging and letting people actually read it is something new. Okay, so I've kind of succeeded at this one.

9. I will never stick to meal plans and shopping lists. First of all, they suck to make. Secondly, meal plans are hard when my days - and my cravings - are unpredictable. Something that tastes delicious on Tuesday may sound unappetizing on Wednesday. And how am I supposed to resist things like cookie dough and marshmallow Oreos? I'm clearly never going to put those on my shopping list, but when they are on sale for 2/$6, they're going in my cart. (Oreos are vegan, BTW).

10. I rarely have time to turn on the news in the morning and I stopped taking vitamins because they were making me nauseated. I will moisturize my face at night when it feels dry, but I somehow missed a nightly brush-floss-rinse session and I never got back into the habit. I fail at hygiene, too. I know, I'm gross. I'm going to be a wrinkly toothless old woman.

11. I had been journaling every night before bed, but it was more like a logbook of my "progress." Then I figured that blogging every day certainly counted as writing. And then I even got lazy with this and I'm not blogging every day. Doing something compulsory every day makes it feel like work and I want to keep this fun.

Some Things and Some Stuff

After ripping my last contact lens in Pittsburgh, I pulled out my phone to call my eye doctor and order a new box. I scrolled down to "D" for "Dr. Geri Bauer" (first name necessary because I used to see a Dr. Bauers when I lived with my parents...7 years ago. Okay, no longer necessary). 

"How many doctors is it appropriate for a 29-year-old woman to have in her phone?" I asked Tom (shout out). 

"If you have any more than 6, there's something wrong," he said.

I have 8. And a physical therapist. There's something wrong. And it's eating up too much of my time. 

I tutored right after work today and then rushed to my appointment with my rheumatologist. I waited for so long I had to cancel my next appointment, which was with my physical therapist. The bottom line: All of these mediocre health "issues" are taking up way too much of my time. 

The rheumatologist stands by his initial diagnosis of fibromyalgia, which I had hoped was maybe a bit premature. I definitely have hip bursitis, which is the only thing that's currently bothering me. Bursitis, he says, is actually common in people with fibro. So, according to him, the pain in my hip is a symptom, not the actual issue.

Since my stomach is still reeling from my weekend and my late-night hankerings, I'm not only going to try to stick to a vegan diet, but I am going to be mindful of eating foods that also aid in anti-inflammation (is that the correct terminology?):

Minus the meat, dairy, and unlimited cooked Asian mushrooms

Going to the doctor today also meant an encounter with the dreaded scale, something I've avoided since around the Super Bowl. I asked the nurse if I could not look at the scale. I didn't. However, as she was putting information into the computer, she mentioned that I weighed less than I did at my last visit...I knew that, but I also know that I weigh more than I did at the peak of my weight loss...which was still shy of my ultimate goal. 

When she left the room, I quickly snuck on the scale before the doctor arrived. Okay, it's not so bad. I'm up 5 lbs, but that also means I'm still down 5 lbs. Some pants are too tight, but none are so tight that they actually feel shorter. My gut may feel bloated, but it's not as roll-y as it was before. There is still hope.

The new bottom line: I need to get back on the horse. That means: the weekends are my time for recreation, but that doesn't mean I can go crazy with food. I'm officially back on the vegan horse, which seems like an oxymoron (speaking of which, just found a leak of Schoolboy Q's new album...can't wait to see him in 2 weeks).  

Okay, that was slightly irrelevant. Time to get back on track in more ways than one:

MONDAY = GYM AND COUNTING CALORIES. This week doesn't count because Monday was a holiday. 

Not much interesting food news to post (other than I've been stuffing my face in bed late at night), but I did try to recreate my Pittsburgh golden oat smoothie yesterday. 

I made this with one banana, a cup (I think? It was too early for memories) of oats, a cup of almond milk, turmeric, cinnamon, and ginger. And ice. No perfume, although it's in the photo. The result: Too watery. Needs less milk and more banana. Do over!

I also managed to stay vegan at Surf Taco yesterday. 

Costa Rican burrito bowl, no cheese, add guac

I was also excited to come home to a case of Brad's Raw Crunchy Kale from Laura!!! (I think I ate 3 already).

Nom nom nom...my bestie is the best

I got back in the kitchen today, too, because I was inspired by some Simple Veganista recipes. 

For dinner today, I made roasted cauliflower and chickpeas with mustard dressing. 

This was very easy and much more tasty than I expected - I mixed a head of cauliflower (cut into florets) and a can of rinsed and drained garbanzo beans with 2 tablespoons of EVOO and some salt and roasted it at 400 degrees for 45 minutes (stirring every 15). I kept checking the recipe to see what I forgot. No seasonings?! Surely you must be mistaken, Simple Veganista!

Meanwhile, I prepared two very uninvolved things: a cup of quinoa on the stove and mustard dressing. The dressing calls for a tablespoon of Dijon mustard and a tablespoon of whole grain mustard, and of course I chose today to bring my Dijon mustard to work and leave it there (it's always something - but better mustard than my wallet). I used 2 tablespoons of whole grain Dijon mustard (mind-blowing, right? Thanks, Trader Joe), 3 tablespoons of lemon juice, and a tablespoon of EVOO. I mixed this dressing with the beans and cauli when they were done roasting and had cooled for a few minutes. Oh, I also chopped up very little parsley and mixed that in, too. Whenever I go to chop parsley, I'm like "Why the F did I buy this?! I hate this!" ...but it was pretty unnoticeable in this mustardy goodness (I could eat mustard with a spoon).

I don't have nutrition facts yet, but this is supposed to make 2 servings with some leftover quinoa (yeah, serve this on top of the quinoa, BTW). This was a great portion size, absolutely delicious, and sometimes sinus-clearing (and almost a parallel sentence). I give it an A.

I also finally made rustic apple and pear crisp. 

This was also really easy: wash, core, and dice 3 apples and 3 pears. If you're like me, laugh at yourself and how inept you are at coring and dicing things.

Mix with 3 tablespoons of lemon juice, a tablespoon of cornstarch, a tablespoon of sugar, and a heaping teaspoon of cinnamon (crap, I used a heaping tablespoon). This goes into a 9 x 9 baking pan...or, if you're like me, an 8 x 8 baking pan and also a loaf pan.

Then mix together 1 3/4 cup oats, a cup of chopped walnuts (crap, I bought a half cup...improvised with another half-ish cup of sliced almonds), 1/2 cup pure maple syrup, a teaspoon of vanilla extract (imitation for me), and some salt. This goes on top of the apple-pear mixture, but it didn't seem to make enough for me. The recipe calls for an optional 1/4 cup of almond meal and it probably needs it.

This bakes at 350 for 35-40 minutes. I went with 35 since the oven was still cooling down from 400 degrees.

No nutrition facts here, either, but this serves 6. I mean...one. Because I'm about to eat the whole thing in one sitting.

Why I Do What I Do

This is going to sound totally counterintuitive, but when I was still hungry after dinner today, I spent 45 minutes in the kitchen prepping future meals/snacks and I'm no longer hungry. I think it's pretty clear that much of my eating - particularly my nighttime snacking - has been a result of boredom. 

I still have quite a few calories in my allowance today, but I accidentally broke vegan today...by unintentionally eating half of my angora sweater (the other half ended up in my left eye). I know, I know, what kind of a vegan wears angora? 

My reasons for starting a vegan diet are self-centered and have nothing to do with my thoughts about animals (sorry if that makes me sound like an ass, but it's true). The way I felt after a night of bingeing on dairy and some meat reinforced my rationale. 

I am, by nature, a whiner and a complainer - at least I worry that's how I come off to others; I prefer to think of myself more as an observant person with an endearing penchant for kvetching. 

I also suffer from bitchy resting face. For those of you who are not familiar with the condition, here is an informational video:

Since I stopped eating animal products, I must say that my attitude has improved greatly and I often find myself with a smile on my face for no good reason (although does one need a "good" reason to smile?). Like I mentioned before, I rarely get road rage anymore - in general, my moods feel a lot more stable and a lot more positive. People have even told me that it seems like I'm in better spirits. Why would I want to give this up?

More importantly, my anxiety level has been almost nonexistent. I've suffered from anxiety and panic attacks since childhood and maybe it's coincidental and/or maybe it's all in my head, but I haven't felt my typical nerves for most of 2014 (besides my MRI and the morning after drowning myself in buffalo chicken dip). I'd always known that changing some of my lifestyle habits would make me feel better, but I was never willing to try. Now that I know that simply altering what I eat can make a world of difference in my moods, I wish I had done it years ago. 

Any weight loss that comes with this diet is an added bonus. I'll take a loss of mood swings any day. 

P.S. Tonight's dinner - a chik'n patty with guacamole hummus and fresh salsa on a multigrain sandwich thin = divine. People have also asked me how I deal with my cravings, but this is what I crave now (well, I also craved a baked potato today).

A New Beginning

It's 10:20 AM on a Monday and my body has never been so thankful for kale, almond milk, and fruit. Oh my GOD, this smoothie is amazing. It tastes pretty good, but it just feels like...soothing? It just feels right. It's like drinking happy. 

Mmmm, 7 supplements

Breakfast: Coffee with almond milk, Rawjuvenate smoothie with 1 banana, 1 cup kale, 1 cup frozen pineapple, 1 cup almond milk

It's 12:41 PM and I'm eating a salad that's made up of arugula and spinach that's pretty wilty and it still feels oh-so-amazing. Greens, carrots, red cabbage, grape tomatoes, balsamic vinaigrette...do I hear angels singing? I can't shovel this into my face fast enough. 

Now I've moved on to a satay peanut "salad." I really need to slow down, but this tastes like candy. Fresh vegetables. Wowwwww. This was supposed to be my dinner, but I got too excited to make it. 

Lunch: Green salad, Ronzoni Garden Delight fettuccine with sugar snap peas, baby bok choy, radishes, and yellow squash in a peanut sauce - Recipe here (substitute yellow squash for Japanese eggplant and raw agave for honey to make it vegan; omit sriracha if you're like me and also throw everything together in the pot at the end and heat for a little while longer to help melt the peanut butter and cook the noodles more). Note: This makes 4 very small servings (3 oz. of pasta divided by 4?! I was housing 4x that back in '87).

Oh, did I mention I'm home on another snow day? Normally, a snow day on the Monday after the Super Bowl would be a godsend, but I've really just had it with snow. And this appears to be a big storm that is going to dump close to a foot all over and around my car. It's going to snow until dark, at which point I am not going to want to shovel even more than I already don't want to shovel. 

I've already prepared two meals, filed and organized the 2-foot stack of documents I've been neglecting, cleaned out my closet and dresser, and watched a movie. NOW WHAT? Okay, (most) photos on my computer are appropriately filed now...my kitchen is a wreck and I need to mop my floor and scoop the litter box and organize my receipts/finances, but I am avoiding all of those things. I could take a nap, but I'm honestly not that tired. I am actually kind of nauseous. I really feel like I have a food hangover from all of the garbage I ate yesterday. 

It's 5:18 PM and I'm starving and angry and sweaty and my hands feel as dry as sandpaper. I am eating comfort food, watching The League, and trying to breathe. 

Let me back up to 2 hours ago. My poor friend Flynn, who lives a few miles away, is on crutches recuperating from surgery and needed something from CVS (which is basically across the street from my house). My street looked messy but passable and I knew I would not want to dig out my plowed-in car at 6 AM tomorrow. I also knew that if I went out, I could pick up the tomato soup I had been coveting all day. I agreed to attempt the trip. Luckily, I never returned Andrew's shovel and I was able to dig/drive myself out of my parking spot in about 15 minutes (they really got me in there good this time). The CVS parking lot was a mess, but I managed to get in and out of it and I took the highway to Flynn's, so the roadway was clear.   

His parking lot was not.

Fortunately, there was a clear spot so I snagged it, knowing that I would only be a few minutes.

I was only a few minutes.

I could not get the hell out of that parking spot. 

I tried shoveling. Driving. Reversing. Pushing. Cursing. Screaming. 

Finally, after about a half hour, I was able to get the hell out of that godforsaken parking lot. All I could think about was "I deserve a beer" (I have, like, one chocolate cherry bock. I don't even want it).


Instead, I settled for dinner and my snow day craving: a cup of Campbell's tomato soup and grilled cheese with 3 slices of Tofutti cheese on a Trader Joe's sandwich thin.

So. So. So. GOOD.

Now that I've entered snow shoveling into My Fitness Pal, I have some caloric leeway for the rest of the night. I'm going to shower, wind down, and try not to eat anything else. It's been a surprisingly exhausting (but productive) day off.

Day Twenty-Four...Bring on More!

This post should be short and sweet, as nothing particularly interesting happened today except I'm either getting that stomach bug or the prednisone is giving me bubble guts. I'm exhausted so as soon as I finish getting my stuff together for tomorrow, I'm going to bed (tomorrow is Taco Night, so I have a lot to get together).

For breakfast I had my Rawjuvenate smoothie, this time with 3/4 cup frozen blueberries, 3/4 cup sliced strawberries, a teaspoon each of vanilla and almond extract, and the usual other stuff. I actually bought K cups yesterday and made a Kona coffee but then I didn't drink most of it. 

For a snack I had a 100-calorie pack of almonds. The 100-calorie packs are for people who are too lazy to portion servings out themselves. Therefore, you pay twice the price for extra packaging/for someone else to portion for you. Yes, I am that lazy person.

For lunch I had leftover vegetable stir fry. I think/hope it was the last container because I'm tired of it. I still have all of that confetti couscous salad to throw out (ugh and some kind of chicken dish I literally made before Christmas. I want to just throw away my whole fridge and start over).

For dinner, I had a vegan burger, which I was dreaming about all day. I made it almost exactly the same way as yesterday, except this time I seasoned it with cumin and used Smart Balance cooking spray instead of EVOO. Sure saved me a lot of calories. 

Sorry for such a ho-hum post today. This is just becoming second nature, so it's no longer interesting. I'm sure I'll eat about 2,000 things tomorrow so that should be a longer post. :)

Totals	1,082	166	29	49	2,710	36
Your Daily Goal	1,200	150	40	60	2,300	45
Remaining	118	-16	11	11	-410	9
	Calories	Carbs	Fat	Protein	Sodium	Sugar

Oh, and one of these days when it's above 15 degrees, I'll make it back to the gym.

Days Twenty-Two and Twenty-Three

Guys, I'm in love. We'll get to that later. First, let me recap my hellish Sunday.

Sunday was one of those days where I just couldn't eat. THANKS BEERFEST! (On the plus side, this means I lost any of the beer/illicit andouille sausage weight that I gained on Saturday). 

I ended up driving home around 4 AM because I knew it was going to be a rough morning and I wanted to spend that rough morning in my own bed. I steamed myself in a hot shower for 2 hours (I'm not even kidding. Drinking can after can of ice cold seltzer in a scalding shower really helps). Around 7:00, I decided to heat up a slice of Tofutti pizza for breakfast. I was not patient enough to cook it in the toaster oven for 20 minutes as per the instructions, so I microwaved it and ate it all soggy and weird-like. 

Throughout the day, I drank at least 9 waters (including seltzer) and noshed on some Wheat Thins in bed during my Daria marathon (I mostly kept watching the same episode over and over because I kept falling asleep).

I woke up around 9:00 PM and took all of my supplements, then heated up a cup of TJ's low sodium vegetable broth with 1/2 cup of whole wheat couscous in it. I sprinkled some garlic on top, but it was still pretty bland. But that's exactly what I needed. I am leaning very heavily toward total teetotalism because even though I skipped my dose of Cymbalta on Saturday, beer is still not jiving with me. 

Then My Fitness Pal gave me this warning:

Totals	470	83	16	11	808	17
Your Daily Goal	1,200	150	40	60	2,300	45
Remaining	730	67	24	49	1,492	28
	Calories	Carbs	Fat	Protein	Sodium	Sugar

Don't encourage me to go into starvation mode, My Fitness Pal. That weight is basically my goal! Now that I'm toying with the idea of going to the Dominican Republic with Stacey for Easter, I really need to get more vigilant. But I still have 11 weeks to go :)

Now for today!

I had several doctor's appointments, including one with an orthopedist that I had to wait weeks for, so I took off work. I only had time for coffee + almond milk for breakfast before I left. Oh, I did slather my lips with this, too:

Don't look at my gross nails; I just peeled off my gel manicure

Yes, I'm the vegan in the angora sweater with the bacon lip balm.

The appointment took forever. Diagnosis: Hip bursitis (which I could have predicted in November when the pain started) and radiculopathy, which is going to require an MRI and I am terrified. I have to say, I was very impressed with the doctor and the other staff members, though. If anyone needs an ortho in the Central Jersey/Jersey Shore area, hit me up! He and his technician were wonderful. I did have to remove my daith piercing for MORE x-rays and I have yet to get it back in my ear. First world problems grumble grumble grumble. I also turned down a cortisone shot in my hip since I also had to go get 5 shots at the allergist. That was enough.

After the allergist, I barely had time to eat, but I headed to Starbucks. Guess what? Starbucks does not offer any truly vegan products! I got a grande iced coffee with soy milk (since it was a balmy 45 degrees outside) and a Hearty Veggie & Brown Rice salad bowl, which contains honey in its lemon tahini dressing. Oh well. I'm not going to get all bent out of shape about honey. I can't believe I eat this stuff with kale and beets in it. 

Oh wait, I just realized why I had no time to really eat - I wasted a very long time at Target. I had just been thinking about how much happier and cheerful I've been since I went vegan. Typically, I'm the kind of person to scream, kick, and throw things when I'm by myself and pissed off (particularly if I'm driving). However, now that I'm not pumped full of gross meat hormones, I've been very calm. Nevertheless, when I came out of Target and saw that someone had slammed her shopping cart into the side of my (pretty new) car rather than walking three feet to the cart return on the other side of my car, you can bet that I let some F-bombs fly in the parking lot.

Now on to the most amazing meal of today: Dinner. I had been dying to make these vegan burgers for ages and now I just want to live on them. No, I want to live in them. I used a recipe from Vegetarian Times to make 4 burgers. 

Look at the pretty layers!

Into the Ninja went 1/2 cup of cannellini beans, 1/2 cup of black beans, 1 1/2 cups of shredded carrots, a cup of coarsely chopped onion, 1/2 cup rolled oats, 1/4 cup chopped cilantro, 3 chopped cloves of garlic, a tablespoon of chili powder, salt, and pepper. I pulsed the mixture until everything was mixed together but not pureed. I checked to see if it was ready to be molded into patties, but the mixture didn't seem quite sticky enough, so I added some of the liquid from the beans (make sure you reserve this liquid when you drain your beans). 

All mixed up

I let this sit (and set) in the fridge for about 30 minutes and then I formed the mixture into 4 1" patties. I preheated a skillet with a tablespoon of EVOO and then heat the patty for 3 minutes on one side, 3 minutes on the other side, 2 minutes on the first side again, and 2 more minutes on the other side - 5 minutes total per side, if you're worse at math than I am.

I put this on top of a slice of Tofutti American cheese on a TJ's multigrain sandwich thin. It got nice and melty. On the other side of the bun, I put a thick tomato slice, some pickle slices, and a healthy portion of Dijon mustard. I put both sides together and holy (non) cow, I went to heaven. 

The patty getting all oily and steamy

Garnishing this heavenly burger

Meet the new love of my life

Today's totals:

Totals	993	117	46	28	2,473	21
Your Daily Goal	1,200	150	40	60	2,300	45
Remaining	207	33	-6	32	-173	24
	Calories	Carbs	Fat	Protein	Sodium	Sugar

Did I mention that I've lost 8 lbs already? (probably). Today when I was getting dressed, I actually looked at myself in the mirror and said out loud, "I love my body." It looks like I can take my fat jeans back to the store since I never even wore them!

Anyway, I've fallen off the smoothie game for the past 3 days, but I've continued with (and upped) the supplements. Time to go wash the Ninja so I can have a smoothie breakfast tomorrow!