Why Middle School is the Worst

As an English teacher, people constantly inquire about my favorite book or ask which book has affected me the most. I can tell you one thing: the book that has influenced by body image more than it ever should have is a presumably forgotten young adult novel called Fat Chance by Leslea Newman. Its cover image is ingrained in my mind. Although I am a high school English teacher now, admittedly, I did not read many required novels once they became compulsory in middle school (I've always hated the idea of people telling me what to do and making my choices for me. I did devour The Grapes of Wrath for fun in sixth grade, so it's not like I shirk from the classics). However, Fat Chance was one of the books that I did read in 7th grade (maybe I was still good then - but I know that I did not read The Hobbit when that was assigned). 

I'm not sure how tall I was or how much I weighed in 7th grade, but I do know that it was the first time my mom questioned if I had an eating disorder. I think this came up because in conversation, I mentioned that I was using my lunch money to buy fries and a kiwi strawberry Snapple every day. I suppose that seems like it's not very much food, but it was what the cool kids were eating, and school lunch was gross otherwise. Besides, I don't know if someone with an eating disorder would choose French fries and high fructose corn syrup as her staple food items. Maybe my mom thought I was a 7th grader who was too stupid and inexperienced to have an actual eating disorder (really, I don't have the discipline it takes to have one). I don't know. I do know that my mom weighed 82 lbs when she got married at 21, so she should know that I inherited her genes. And based on this picture, I'd put myself at 4'9" and maybe 80 lbs - not too far off from my mom's wedding stats. 

Me and my Grandpop in 7th grade

I guess that eating disorders were a major concern in middle school and that's why we were required to read Fat Chance. Of course, this was also 1996 and the heroin-chic-waif thing was in and I had this picture plastered on my wall with a million other celebrities:

Publishers Weekly (via Amazon) confirms how topical this YA novel was:

Through the journal of an eighth-grader obsessed with eating, Newman (Eating Our Hearts Out; Heather Has Two Mommies) explores the horrific ramifications of the "thinner is better" female aesthetic. At 5'4" and 127 pounds, Judi is convinced that she is fat and therefore unlovable. Hiding herself in dark, baggy clothes, she scorns her overweight English teacher for defying the wisdom of Seventeen magazine and wearing wide belts and horizontal stripes. When Judi discovers that her idolized classmate, would-be model Nancy, stays skinny by making herself vomit after eating, Judi cultivates the practice too, developing a routine of binging and purging. Nancy almost dies of starvation, and Judi, meanwhile, begins to realize that she's no happier at 120 pounds than she was at 127. Eventually she recognizes that she needs help. Going further than the average YA "problem" novel, Fat Chance suggests the extent of eating and body-image disorders among seemingly healthy girls; it also demonstrates, rather than insists on, the importance of professional help. Judi's convincing voice and true-to-life experiences add up to a compelling, thought-provoking narrative. With the pre-eminence of the "waif look" in today's fashions, this book should be required reading for adolescent girls-older readers could profit by it as well. 

My tiny 12-year-old self imagined 127 lb Judi as an absolute cow. I mean, even on the cover, her face is portrayed as heavy. Hers was a weight that I could not even fathom at the time and the plot of the novel made her seem obese (at least in my memory). In reality, 127 lbs sounds pretty healthy for someone who is 5'4". I am 5'2" or 5'3", depending on which is more convenient at the time, and I have weighed over 127 lbs at my heaviest (including this New Year). While I've had issues with body image my entire life, regardless of my weight, I've never considered myself to be obese. But I do blame this book for some of those issues and here is why: 

I'm already five feet four inches, which is taller than practically every boy in my class, and I already weigh 127 pounds, which is seven pounds more than I should, according to Seventeen magazine. 

You see, you're supposed to weigh 100 pounds if you're five feet tall, and add five more pounds for every inch. So I should weigh 120 pounds, but I'd like to get down to 115. That would give me a little leeway, in case I gained a pound or two.

I don't know if Seventeen magazine ever actually published such crap, but I've somehow stood by this principle ever since my 7th grade reading class. It affects my weight goals now. At 5'2", I should weigh 110 lbs (because of course I'm going to go for the more convenient shorter height when I want to weigh less). Am I ridiculous or what? This is the same book that said you don't need to wear a bra unless you put a pencil under your boob and it doesn't fall out:

Anyway, once me and Monica did the pencil test, you know, where you put a pencil under your boob and if it stays, you need a bra, and if it falls out you don't? We read about it in Seventeen. Well, when I put the pencil under my breast, it stayed, of course. I mean, I could probably hold a pencil, a pen, a ruler, and Monica's flute under there. When it was Monica's turn, the pencil fell. Twice. Both boobs. 

Seriously, more of this garbage blamed on Seventeen?! Do you know how many times I put a pencil under my boob during my adolescent life? I honestly do not think I got anything positive out of this book; it just gave me bad ideas.

The one thing that I've always "struggled" with is what we in my family lovingly (hatingly) call the "Caprio gut" (which is where we "thank" the genes of my wonderful Grandpop, pictured above - a man who walked several miles a day and did push ups on his thumbs into his 70s and who had the most diesel calves I've ever seen in my life). 

This is a picture from the summer between 7th and 8th grade. I'm sure I was sucking in my stomach because even when I weighed 60 lbs in 6th grade, I thought it was fat. Not that I was fat - just that my stomach was. For most of my life, if I sucked in my stomach and flexed it, I could see some abdominal definition - but in a relaxed state, it always seemed (and still seems) round. Even when I didn't have any flab to pinch in my midsection (and even when I was incapable of making a "belly button bagel") that thing stuck out. In middle school, I thought that it was baby fat and that it would go away. Later, I was sure that this was some kind of medical condition and that I had large organs or something. This is the Caprio gut.

In my first post, I talked about what Laura and I coined the "tomato on toothpicks" phenomenon. Although I have always been self-conscious about my waistline, to be honest, from about sixth to tenth grade, I was painfully skinny. Strangers used to actually come up to us and tell us we were too thin, and that's just as detrimental as telling someone she's fat. I believe that, due to our boniness, we at that time described ourselves as "sharp." Here is one example from 9th grade:

That is my freakin' shoulder blade sticking out all sharp-like

I don't think I broke 100 lbs until high school graduation, but I do remember feeling fat when I could no longer zip up my floral size 0 skirt from The Gap. I believe that the dress I wore to graduation was a Gap size 2. 

Emily was the first friend I made in kindergarten. And yes, I'm wearing puka shells.

Freshman year of college greeted me with about 28 additional L-Bs once I started attending keggers and went on birth control (that was a fun AIM conversation with my mom). I turned to vegetarianism to try to lose weight, but instead maintained a strict diet of Doritos and cheese fries. I lasted 8 months.

My weight has fluctuated in a 10 lb range over the past 11 years. I wish I felt like digging through photos to find one of me in my grad school apartment, cheap beer in one hand and a slice of pizza in another, with my gut hanging out in all of its glory. I still had a confidence in college that is harder to maintain as I get older. I'm realizing that if I want to maintain a thin physique, I need to establish healthy habits now because my metabolism is not what it used to be. 

I don't know what the point of this post was, other than I wanted to rant about a book that's probably scarred me more than it should, and that body dysmorphia is probably more common in females than not. 

Besides, I don't think many people care what I'm eating every day. If I come up with something new and exciting, I will be sure to share, but smoothies and leftovers are getting kind of old. However, if anyone does care, I will tell you that I am absolutely addicted to nacho cheese kale chips and I could eat a chik'n patty twice a day, every day.

Also, although my pants seemed to be falling down all day, I have gained back 4 lbs. It's okay. It will come off again. I feel good.